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I cannot get comfortable this morning. I love you God. Up at 5 ish, couldn’t fall back to sleep. Mind going hither and dither. Listen to Matthew. Gratitude gratitude gratitude
Which I have.
I am in a bizarre (to me) hotel. Nothing…matches. Or goes together in any design sense that I can see, but…it works. It’s very cozy, and friendly…perhaps that’s it’s design. It’s bizarre, but I like it. Like my life. It’s bizarre, but I like it. Not everything is congruent. What’s the opposite of congruent? Disjointed? Perhaps.
There you are God, right down deep in the center of me. I wasn’t off, but I wasn’t connected. Now I feel a stream from my heart. I heard this morning, YOU CAN’T STEP INTO THE SAME RIVER TWICE.
Yes. Profoundly true. The river is always moving, continually changing. It’s never the same river twice. Like a person. Or a day. But we neglect both and think them stagnant. They aren’t. The river goes, the river flows and sure, on the surface the river is still there, day after day. Go beneath the surface. Listen to it, eat from it, drink from it, watch it.
Be a river. Your day is a river.
I am not the same person I was yesterday, which my journal emphatically proves. How wonderful is that? Might be rocky, but never boring. There is growth, there is change, the ebb and flow from totally consistent to radically different.
My children are exploding, in a great way, in all the right directions. Where am I? Maybe I just need to turn off my mind for a bit. It does feel heavy, not in a bad way, but full. I notice my tendency to want to try and figure all this out myself.
I need you God. I am tugging with the tendency to get mad at myself. And compare. The same list, you already know it. Can you help me?
YES
Should I go down to the spa?
YES
Will you speak to me there?
YES
Lets do this!
(I’m in the ‘spa’ which is actually really cool, despite the fact that it’s in the basement of my bizarre hotel in Montana. Someone has really outdone themselves.)
Ok God, you’re saying that I need to read M’s letter, and I don’t want to. I am in fear to receive it.
JUST READ THE LETTER
I’m sitting in a lounge chair along the back wall starting at the pool, long end, and
READ THE LETTER
Man, I really don’t want to. Here goes…
(open email)
(scroll through the last few days of emails)
(it’s not there)
(search by the name)
(several emails come up but the last email was received in 2020…)
(read that email)
Oh boy oh boy. Father. I may be crazy but talking to you produces. Listening to you produces. You’re always right! I’m (not right) (nuts) (wrong) (fearful of nothing) (unable to see fully)… Here’s what just happened.
The ‘stress’ that I am stressing about, mentioned above, that is ever so slight and not a big deal but there nonetheless…isn’t even real. And had I not listened to you—which involved opening my email and searching for said ‘letter’—my brain and thoughts would have turned this ‘letter’ into a big (negative) deal and eventually, maybe not today, this stress-story, that I created, would have negative effects on my mind and body.
Long story short…there is no letter. I saw something flash on my phone yesterday that made me think that there was a letter sent. I panicked and dismissed it because I was in a meeting. Then I became twisted. I don’t want to read it…what do I do…? What on earth is this person going to say to me…
So then God tells me to read the letter, days later…knowing full well that there is no letter…and He uses all for good…so I go looking for a letter that doesn’t exist and what I find instead is old emails from 2020 from this person. This is what God wanted me to see. And in those emails, she provides really positive feedback to a piece of writing I sent. Next to her email are other responses from other people. Various friends and clients, of various ages, commenting on the Introduction to MY GOD and positively raving about it.
Honestly, I hadn’t even remembered. Why did I get all that positive feedback and do nothing with it? And here I am 2 years later wondering what to publish…or where to start. It’s as if I totally blocked out all this feedback. Somehow my mind lost this information and replaced it with a toxic mental list: how do I do it, where do I start, I’m not good enough, what if…blah blah blah.
This is the toxic thinking that we ALL do in some form or another. Talk about running around and around in circles with one foot nailed to the floor and eyes closed! The thing is, I don’t do this in all areas of my life. In some areas I successfully move forward and or accomplish, by whatever yardstick. This limiting voice, this glass ceiling, the voice of I can’t is always in the area of one’s purpose and greatest gift. The ‘why’ you are here…
But the still quiet voice is always there. Spirit talks to us, quietly. It doesn’t compete with the clanging of the world. Instead, it invites us. Shhhhhhh….listen.
Being ‘caught up in your underware’ about how to do this or that is satan. If you truly don’t know how to do something, you look it up, take a class, ask someone…but when you ask the same (dreary) questions (or complaints) over and over (I call it looping neurosis and you can find it in your journals) and make zero progress, that is darkness getting into your mind and rendering you ineffective. I’m not a stupid person, I get good grades, blah blah blah…but I have a real force working against me.
This is where choice comes in: I can believe that I am a stupid person, (camera A) OR I can believe that there is a real force working against me and God is right there with me helping me perfectly even when I don’t know how to help myself, or am doing a particularly botched up job of it. (Camera B)
Camera A produces disastrous results. You suck and nothing works. Your best option is to complain.
Camera B is happy and fulfilling and producing and connected and gets great results.
Make your choice.
There was NO PART of me that wanted to read the letter, I would not have attempted it and I resisted it with all of me, but I (eventually) listen to YOU, and I did as I was told et voila!
Moral of the story: keeeeeeeeepppp listening. If you aren’t quiet enough to hear, get quiet.
If that doesn’t work, get quieter. Go deeper. Go beneath the surface.
I wrote the Intro to My God, and sent it out to a bunch of people, it got rave reviews, and I did what with that? Stop? Stall? Forget?
Why is there a glass ceiling? Why do we stop at our greatness, at our gift, at our calling? Why do we allow and even prefer distraction, confusion and self-hate?
Because there is a force working against you.
Today is not yesterday. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. What a blessing that is!
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