Good morning October 12, 2020

I woke with terrible back pain.  Yesterday I thought it was my sciatica returning.  Which would be weird because after 4 years of near constant pain, it went away overnight.  Literally, about 7 months ago, the pain was just gone, never to return.  I had just become vegan—that could be it.  Vegan diets are notorious for healing inflammatory systems.  I prayed hard; that could be it too.  I asked God to just take it away and, He did.  But today I am prone.  This pain is different, it’s in my back and its excruciating.  I feel like I am going to throw up and can’t get comfortable.  I scan my recent history looking for clues but I can’t recall doing anything to cause this. 

OK, God I’m here.  Listening…

What’s on my mind this morning…is heavy.  All of it.

  • I’m pretty sure this is exactly how the Holocaust happened. Peoples minds were controlled, they believed what they were told.  Sides were created.  Division was created.  Us (v) them was created.  Which news is the right news?  The one that’s tailored to you?
  • Cashless society. Online dependent.  Our eyes scanned.  All bank accounts known.  By your amazon choices you are given tailored consumerism.  By your consumerism you are given your news.  With your customized news, you are given what you want to hear.  You think what you see is accurate.  You believe what you see. 

I could go on, but why?  My back already is breaking.  Along with my heart.

One of my favorite all time movies is the Truman Show.  It came out the same year I started MOLLYWOOD, 1998.  Hm.  I remember thinking ‘whoa, what a concept!’ Jim Carey lives in this idyllic controlled world, actors in place and everyone watching him.  Through cameras.  But, he figures it out. Sees the signs…and eventually breaks free.  Watching the movie, when he opens the door to the set and we see with him, his fake world constructed around the real world, there is for both of us this awesome sense of freedom and fear; joy and deep, deep saddness.

Now I’m thinking, how do I break free?  How do I get out of this?  I do my online meetings knowing that I am being watched.  Recorded.  Analyzed.  But if I don’t do my online meetings, how do I pay my bills?  And, see people?  I am inside because I am told I have to be.  Everytime I swipe, google and blink, I regret it, not knowing how to do differently.  At the press of a button, what can and will happen?  Who’s pressing the button?  And which buttons?  Do we just keep munching like cows to a slaughter?

No wonder my back hurts.  I don’t think I lifted the groceries the wrong way.  I think my back just hurts.